Ignite

Source : https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Zasx9hjo4WY/maxresdefault.jpg

i don't know but i just want to post this.
in at least 3 months, this word "ignite" really turn me on. i don't know but i get that picture from Zeed youtube videos, and actually i like this.

like the word "ignite" that means turn-on (menyalakan in bahasa, according to google translate) a guy with creepy wing and creepy costume, face some fire storm, and i believe 100%, this guy will push himself to go through that firestorm. just like what i feel right now, try to make some move, to do something, something to push my self forward, through unknown storm in front of me, but with no power, powerless.

i already gone this far in my life, and well this is not opinion, not story, not article, just something what i feel. you can laugh or dump this post to the ground but i don't care. i just want to let this feeling out, not forever, but just for now.

words always have it's power. words could redefine you, or a person, or even yourself. words could become a powerful things, turn it to some ideology and could probably change the whole world. that is word, that can build someone perspective and turn him to another person forever. never underestimate the power of words, or you will regret it forever.

i don't know, but i believe i still have life in front of me. vision to realize, dream to continue, love to share, i believe on all that. i am 22 you know, very young, still a very young man. not yet an adult, or still unprepared to really share my whole life with someone i destined for.

i realize how word can become so powerful, i saw that the whole time. but, i don't exactly know, that word make people raise his wings, or destroy it. you know, when you go through the firestorm exactly you need powerful and strong wing, and with that power maybe you can wipe all those firestorm out, just like ra sen gan.

nothing special happen today, nothing, but some depressed thing really hit me this time. in almost 6 and now 7 months i cannot walk normally because some accident. i don't want that, of course, i want my life work as better as i hope.

but this is His rules, His world, His plans, and we must obey and looking forward to find the secret inside everything that happen. and so do i, i wrote some story about this, and of course i don't want to talk about this. just sorry, maybe that is the only word i need.

my life is not a failure, and i feel that. but i don't know how many person that i make their life become failure, all just because of words.

destroying my concept of love, yes i blame her for her ego, for her power because when we both destroyed she is the one that will recover first. but he do not let that happen, she destroyed herself together with me, she pull down every power she could, just to follow my fault, my stupidity. but in very last, very last time, i cannot do something to save her further. i just let her life, her future to the ruins, maybe her family also, because i did nothing.

looks like i tried to save her, but it's not. looks like i tried to stay together with her, protect her of everything, but no, exactly not like that. i just destroy her, again and again. make her cry for no reason, make her feel pain, lot of pain, even i myself hurt her. hurt her very bad..

why? because i am the one that bring her in, because i am the one that started everything."that is also her fault, she make her chance to follow you", i do not know but "he is nothing, i can left him forever" wrote in her diary more than one time. she tried to left me and bring me back to the right path! to regain my true wings! but with my world i entrapped her, entrapped her deeper, day after day, year after year! and in very last time i am the one that betray my promise and right now she is the one that life her right life, right because every words that she told to me, realized, but with anyone else.

i destroy her, that is the fact. and i know i shouldn't bring anybody in anymore. but this time, my stupidity coming back, and again i ruined someone life again, but this is a lot more.

the reason why i move to my life now, was because i hurt someone heart very bad. i do nothing wrong, just be nice with her, try to do my best for her sake, and i do it professionally. because we are in the same team, same project, same goal. everything that happen had no connection with love, i never confess my feeling to her. never!

but one word, "sorry, i will try my best to stand with you" and "don't cry, everything will be alright" when she cried really turn everything upside down. and after that, i did nothing, just let her confused with hers feeling, cry alone, sad alone. i realized, i really destroyed her heart before even i realized that, and now everything happen.

when i remember this, i only feel anger and somehow forget, everything that happen, have a real connection with me. i destroyed her wings without i realize, before i able to say "sorry" because this "sorry" cannot compare with my wrath, my ego. but i know, when she want to fly, she need this world, "sorry for everything i have done to you", even only words, that is enough to put her in serious pain, and i will not make that mistakes again.

time after time, something happen again in my life. something when a girl cried, and ask me some favor. a favor to help her find her father. i don't know but "that is a good thing, maybe i should help her". but that favor, again and again, again and again come. after she find her father, her father do not want to recognize her, i help her stand against that fact. struggle to convince her father, her family even talk a rude words to her mother.

who the fuck i am? and that favor come again when she told me she had serious brain cancer and she will need and operation to save her life a little longer. after that, the doctor detected that she also had some problem with her heart. if this story was a Korean drama, i believe it will had a beautiful story and beautiful ending. but no! i am not angel and why the heck i act like an angle?!

stay with her when she get those operation, i don't! i even never come to her, never! everything that i did was talk some bullshit to her! real bullshit because i never do any one of them. just try to fucking ignite her feeling, try to fucking save her spirit, spirit to continue a life! i thought! who am i? fuck off i am not God! i was a human full with pride and ego, with no real act, just bullshit.

what have i done..

even when a good and pretty guy, really do something, donated some part of her body to save her life, she still choose me. and that man just tell "you are the only one that could make her happy". no dude! i am useless! because of those bullshit, just words,

and i cannot make her happy, i cannot. or maybe, even i cannot make her happy, forever. only pain, pain and pain, because again, i use that word. why i use that word, or maybe why i help her in the first time? why i accept her feeling just for dumped that after few years?

and of course, none of my promises to her ever happened.

year after year, i destroy many people wing and power, even i pretend to have some "mighty power" that can fix almost everything.

what have i done? who am i?

and now, just now, with all that happen in last 6 months, i realize that lot of people try to ignite me. i fall! falling free! in an instant moment my wings just destroyed, when i flew up high.

they were carefully regain my wing, one by one, little by little. their words, their act, everything just real. pure action to save me.

ignite me back to who i am before. friends, family, all whom stay with me right now. but i have fear..

how i can pay them back? i know they do that for free, they never ask me to turn their favor. my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends and her.

 i just afraid, that sometime i will take their wing, destroy their life, ruining their dream. because i did lot of this before. with someone that, well, they ignite me very well.

and you, what your feeling right now? am i hurt you?
thank you, for everything. thank you for help me back there, carry all my tasks, become my mouth, my ears, my eyes, my hand, my legs. thank you for take care for everybody that i should take care for. thank you for that smile, thank you for that spirit.

and i will let you know, i am grateful. also all of you guys that read this story. all of you that stood together with me. all of you that said "get well soon, we wait you". all of you that inspire me, "you still have a worthy life to fight for". all of you that even let their body burn, just to make through a firestorm that probably created for me.

and for you, that still there wait for me to come, i will tell you, that nothing can i do. nothing can i do to return that favor..

but, now let me fly, trough that firestorm. let me ignite you. let me burn, let me face that firestorm without destroying someone life again.

even i still have a small wing, and little power to stand, let me fly again. let me fly again and bring you through those firestorm. even in the end i will disappear forever, that is better for me. because right now, you ready to disappear and ruin your own dream just to help me stand again.

i love you






-obaka san desu watashi wa